


Faultlines

by Fictionista654



Series: Ealdor Books [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-12-30 00:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18304439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionista654/pseuds/Fictionista654
Summary: Arthur finds out why Merlin doesn't like to be touched. Bonus chapter: Arthur and Merlin test Merlin's boundaries.





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur came to the shop almost every day after work, now, to be near Merlin. It turned out that Ealdor books didn’t have very many employees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, a guy called Will came in and moved boxes around, but it was mostly Merlin. Sometimes they’d talk, or Merlin would read out loud, or they’d both read quietly. Sometimes, when he was behind, Arthur took out his laptop and did work.

“So you just stay in the store and read all day?” said Arthur. It was after closing, and he was helping Merlin put the shelves back in order.

“Actually,” said Merlin, sliding a copy of Hamlet back into its nook between Macbeth and The Tempest, “I’m a writer.” 

“A published writer?” said Arthur.

“You don’t have to sound so disbelieving,” said Merlin. “And yes. Freelance.”

“Fiction?”

“Some. A few short stories.” Merlin looked up slyly from behind his fringe. “You might have heard some of some of the publications I’ve written for.”

Arthur picked up an errant copy of The Secret History and searched for the T’s. “Don’t be coy, Merlin. It doesn’t suit you.” Merlin shrugged. “Oh, all right. Who’s published you, then?”

“Most recently? The Camelot Review.”

“What?” said Arthur. “The Camelot Review? You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?” He looked Merlin up right then, and found himself scrolling through pages and pages of hits. “My God, Merlin. You’re famous.”

Merlin blushed, waving away Arthur’s comment. “Just in certain circles,” he said.

“Well, obviously your fanbase is nerdy as hell, but still,” said Arthur. “Hey, you have a website!”

“Do I?” said Merlin. “I hadn’t realized.”

“Shut up,” said Arthur as he clicked on the link. “I’m mad at you. You’re a bloody author.” 

“Just online,” Merlin muttered. “I don’t have an agent or anything.” 

“Well, you should!” said Arthur, putting down his phone and looking Merlin straight in the eyes. “Do you know what I’m going to do tonight?”

“Data entry?”

“Ha. Funny. No, I’m going to read every single story you’ve ever published.”

“Fiction?” said Merlin, his mouth dropping open. “I’ve inspired you to read fiction? I thought the day would never come!”

“Well, of course I’ll read your fiction,” said Arthur, a little uncomfortably. “It’s not a big deal.” He was suddenly aware of how near they were to each other, Merlin’s face very close to his. They were both the same height, but somehow Merlin managed to look up at Arthur when he wanted to, with his head tilted ever-so-slightly to the side. And then Merlin bit his lip.

Oh. Arthur supposed he’d known that this was coming, but now that it was here, he didn’t really know what to do next. He’d alway been rubbish at this part. Did he lean in, or should he put his arms around Merlin first, or what? 

“Come here,” said Merlin, and pulled Arthur down. Merlin’s mouth was soft and forgiving and hopeful and warm. Arthur pressed his forhead to Merlin’s and closed his eyes, feeling with his whole body Merlin’s tongue sweeping over his own. Within his loafers, Arthur’s toes curled. He leaned forward, deeping the kiss, and brought his hands down to the small of Merlin’s back. Merlin arms, hooked around Arthur’s shoulders, tightened their grip. Empowered, Arthur slid his hands down farther, cupping the seat of Merlin’s jeans.

That was when everything went to shit. Where Merlin’s warmth had been just moments before was cold air and emptiness. Arthur took a step forward, then stopped. “Merlin?”

Merlin was clutching a shelf, his eyes closed. “Just…give me a moment,” he said, his voice strained. 

“If I did anything, I’m so sorry—”

“Not you,” said Merlin. “Me. Sorry.” His eyes were screwed shut, as if against a sudden gale of wind. His grip on the shelf was so hard that his knuckles stuck out like white boulders on the terrain of his hands. Arthur prevaricated, not sure whether he should say anything or let Merlin ride out whatever this was in silence.

“Okay,” said Merlin, after what felt like ages. “Okay. Sorry. God. You probably want an explanation.”

“No,” said Arthur, “not if you don’t want to give one.”

“I didn’t want to ruin this moment,” Merlin said miserably. “I promised myself I wouldn’t. Shit. Shit.” 

“Here, sit down,” said Arthur, helping Merlin into one of the long-suffering chairs. Merlin put his head in his hands.

“It’s not what you think.”

“I wasn’t thinking anything,” said Arthur, even though he was. Even though what he was thinking was making him feel sick. He took the other chair and kept a careful eye on Merlin, who wasn’t looking at him. “Merlin…did someone hurt you?”

Merlin made a choked noise in the back of his throat.

“Okay,” Arthur said. “Okay.” In the silence that followed, Arthur was very aware of the radiator’s hum. 

“Let’s try again,” said Merlin. “Come on.” He grabbed Arthur, who stopped him with a hand on his chest.

“We’re not going to go back to making out like nothing happened, Merlin.” 

“Just forget it, please forget it,” Merlin said. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” said Arthur, “but I’m not going to do something that you so clearly don’t want to do.”

“Whatever,” said Merlin, staring furiously at the wall across from him. After a while, Arthur thought that Merlin wouldn’t say anything at all. But then he said, tonelessly, “I don’t like to be touched there.”

“Okay,” Arthur said gently. 

“I should have told you,” Merlin said. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” said Arthur, with a sense of deja vu. Somehow, he and Merlin had switched places. “I should have asked.” Merlin, still looking straight ahead, surprised Arthur by sliding his right hand across the table and holding his pinky against Arthur’s. 

“This is kind of touch is okay,” Merlin said. “But other kinds of touch, I don’t like.”

“Okay,” Arthur said again. “That’s fine.” 

Merlin’s face tightened. He looked like he was holding back tears. “Sometimes, when someone touches me in the wrong place, it makes me nervous.” 

“Understandable.”

“No,” Merlin said frustratedly. “Not understandable. I thought I was over this. I thought I was better.” He took a few ragged breaths. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” said Arthur. 

“Not particularly,” said Merlin. He bit at his hand absent-mindedly. Arthur winced.

“Merlin, what has your hand ever done to you?”

“Hmm? Oh.” Merlin took his hand from his mouth and looked at the red ring of teeth-marks. The radiator swelled again. Merlin looked so sad and small that Arthur wished he could hug him. Obviously, this wasn’t the time. 

“I didn’t say no,” Merlin said suddenly. “He touched me, and I didn’t say no.” Arthur’s chest tightened. Oh, Merlin. “I froze. I fucking froze. And I hate myself for that so much. And I know, I know. Fight, flight, or freeze. Not my fault. Except it was my fault. I gave in immediately. He pulled me down, and I sank with him. Fuck. Fuck.”

“Did he—”

“No,” said Merlin. “Didn’t even take off my clothes. My friends found me before he could.” He clenched and unclenched his hand against Arthur’s. “They saved me, and I was so pathetic, I couldn’t save myself. I did nothing, Arthur. Nothing.” The tears really did come now, spilling down Merlin’s face and splashing onto his clothes. “I just lay there. I hate myself so much for that. So much.”

“I don’t know if this helps,” said Arthur, “but I don’t hate you. I don’t think you’re pathetic.”

“I let him touch me,” Merlin said in a broken cry. “I lay there and let him touch me and touch me and touch me. Even my mum didn’t understand why I didn’t fight back. Everyone said I was being self-destructive, that I, that I, I don’t know, I don’t know. That I didn’t want to be saved. And then when my friends found me with the guy, I told them everything was fine, that they could leave. That was the big thing. My opportunity to be saved, and I fucked that up too. It’s a good thing my friends didn’t listen to me. And afterwards they said I was self destructive, but I didn’t want it, Arthur, I didn’t want it.”

"Merlin," Arthur said helplessly. "Merlin." 

 

When they finally got their first proper kiss, two weeks later, standing on Merlin’s front stoop, Arthur kept his hands by his side. One day, Merlin said, he wanted to be touched. Just not today. And Arthur was fine with that.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur double-checked the playlist on his phone against Merlin’s vinyls. He thought he’d gotten the best songs down, but he wanted this to be perfect. Of course Merlin would have vinyls and no record player. Rather, he’d had a record player, but his last boyfriend had stepped on it getting a glass of water in the middle of the night because Merlin had left it on the floor. Typical Merlin idiocy. Arthur loved it.

So, the playlist. Done. The bed—done. Merlin didn’t like blankets while they did this, so Arthur’d taken the opportunity to chuck the duvet cover in the wash. The remaining fitted sheet was a dark blue, and, by sheer luck, matched the walls. Most of Merlin’s apartment was painted in atrocious yellows and reds, but reason had prevailed in the bedroom, at least. 

The bathroom door opened, spilling light into the room. Merlin stood in the threshold, wearing a pair of worn sweatpants and looking adorably disheveled, with his hair going in every direction and his toothbrush hanging from one hand. “I’m ready,” he said. “Oh. Wait.” He disappeared into the bathroom and came back out toothbrush-less. “Now I’m ready.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.

“Come here,” Arthur said, his voice husky. He led Merlin to the bed, and they both sat cross-legged, facing each other, almost close enough for their knees to touch. Arthur turned on the music and waited patiently for Merlin to get comfortable with the proximity of another person. Finally, Merlin reached out and plucked at Arthur’s t-shirt. Arthur closed his eyes and felt the soft material flutter around him. When it stilled, he opened his eyes again and smiled at Merlin. Merlin smiled nervously back.

“Okay?” said Arthur.

Merlin blew out a breath. “Yeah.” He laid a finger on Arthur’s right knee. Arthur reciprocated, laying his own finger on Merlin’s knee. When Merlin moved his finger up Arthur’s thigh, Arthur moved his own up Merlin’s. They did this for a while, Merlin moving and Arthur following. 

“How was writing today?” said Arthur. 

“Good.” Merlin cupped Arthur’s elbow. “I rewrote Lady Kay’s death scene.” 

“Sexy,” Arthur joked. Merlin grinned.

“How was your day?”

“Father’s still upset that I quit my job. He had his assistant call to deliver the message that he’d expected me to amount to more than, quote, ‘a homosexual stay-at-home muse.’”

Merlin threw back his head to laugh, and Arthur could help but admire the delightful curve of his neck. “You’re doing important work as a muse, though.”

“That’s what I said! I told Leon that without me, you wouldn’t amount to anything!”

“Shut up, you prat,” said Merlin, but he was still smiling. “Did you tell him you’re job-hunting?”

Arthur sighed. “Pendragons don’t _job-hunt_ , Merlin. That’s for the proletariat.”

“Oh, excuse me.” Merlin traced Arthur’s jaw with his fingertips, sending a shiver through Arthur’s stomach. “Did you tell him that you’re pursuing additional means of employment?”

“Yes, and Leon said he’d get back to me with Father’s response.” Arthur licked his lips. Merlin’s face was getting closer, and he moved his own face forward in answer. The tips of their noses brushed. Arthur’s lips tingled. He had to physically hold himself back from going in for the kiss. In the low light, Arthur could see Merlin’s pupils widening out the blue. On his thigh, Arthur felt Merlin’s hand sliding up. There was a moment of hesitation, and then Merlin’s hand rested right between Arthur’s legs. A knot of warmth curled there, and Arthur breathed out shakily. =

“Can I—”

Merlin nodded. “Yes.” Arthur pressed his hand to the bulge in Merlin’s pants. Their foreheads leaned against each other; they breathed each other’s breaths. The beautiful planes and angles of Merlin’s face filled Arthur’s vision. Strangely, even with everything being over-the-clothing, this felt like the most intimate moment of Arthur’s life. Merlin tightened his grip, and Arthur gasped in pleasure. He reached down, until, through the thin fabric, he held Merlin entirely in his hand. They sent pulses back and forth, like that game Arthur had played as a kid, where everyone sat in a circle and sent around the hand squeeze. Then, as now, it felt mysterious and symbiotic, something beyond physical.

“Okay?” Arthur said again.

Merlin flicked Arthur’s lips with his tongue. Arthur opened his mouth and accepted Merlin in. This was something else he had learned. Merlin didn’t like other people’s tongues in his mouth. They’d tried, once, but it had sent Merlin to a bad place, and they’d decided to wait a while longer. Arthur, though, quite liked having Merlin’s tongue in his mouth. He loved the way Merlin kissed, like he was tasting something sweet. Like the hot inside of Arthur’s mouth was something to be loved and savoured. Merlin moved his hands to Arthur’s shoulders, and Arthur followed suit. They fell into each other like a collapsing star. 

 

Later, Arthur would finish himself in the shower, the knowledge that Merlin was doing the same thing in the bedroom pulling him over the edge. Later than that, about two weeks later, Merlin would stroke Arthur to completion; a week after that, Arthur would do the same for Merlin. Opening the secret parts of Merlin was never going to be easy, and Arthur would always have to hold back his fury at the man who, on a cold winter night in the back of a car, had locked so much of Merlin away. But for now, they clung to each other, filled with nothing but loving-kindness.


End file.
